31.5.05

A minor erratum

I take no pleasure, of either the snarky or the smarmy variety, in reporting that neither Jacky nor your man, there, is in fact not the originator of the translucent-liquor-and-juice beverage. Indeed, the gimlet has been known to the rabble and ruffians, along with the cool jazz-heads and the post-war post-teeny be-boppers, since 1947 when it was invented by one Walther P. Smythe, a bar-keeper in the then-undiscovered Soho district, at the request of an unnamed drunk who could not pronounce "gin with lemon." While the flame burns forever at the Tomb of the Unknown Drunkard, yet his drink flows marching on.
   One might wonder how the present author himself has come privy to this trivial snippet. One need wonder no more: I was Mr. Smythe's bus-boy during my doctoral schooling at the now (alas) defunct College of Antiquities of the now (alas) defunct Civic University of New York. Well, one simply must pay one's way some-how. The GI Bill goes only so far when one is living, as was I, la vie bohème. And, even at that time, the liberal arts were being relegated to a mere relicary status, much to our civil decline and, at the time, my own loss of a position as an assistant professor. There was no one to whom to profess, and barely any to whom to profess assistant-ship.
   I also happen to know that Smythe "invented" the drink at my behest. It was no stretch of the imagination, for I had beaten the other authors at this current web-site (I happen to know as well that Miss Jones considers herself the originator of the Hot Facial, some un-godly concoction involving licks of flame and milk of cocoa-nut) and Smythe in concocting what I then called The Drink of A Single To-morrow, comprising equal measures each of juice of lemon and lime, and a double measure of the Neder-lands' finest, Ketel One. (I spent a fort-night or dozen in the low-lands during the War, let it be said in short, lest I impugn my own character.) These citrus were the only fruits on hand to stave off the scurvy in a mal-nourished populace.
   Years later, as one after an other of Ian Fleming's novels were translated to the silver screen, I re-christened it, in a phlegmatic fit, the Pusy Galore.

24.5.05

Uzbeki Eyes










22.5.05

I have founded a new type of drink.

THE TURBID DEATH:
Mix one part of Everclear with one part ReaLemonTM 100% Lemon Juice*. Dilute with five parts pre-refrigerated water in a martini glass- the violence of the water pour will mix the drink. DO NOT STIR. Sip apprehensively, and then more confidently as it works its way down.
*Two caveats are in order: Firstly, Everclear is the only acceptable azeotropic alcohol/water distillate. Neither denatured alcohol from the hardware store nor standard grade solvent nor even pharmaceutical grade ethanol, at the azeotropic limit or chemically dried to 200 proof, are acceptable. Everclear. Secondwise, the concoction has not been tested with other makes or models of 100% lemon juice. The author refuses any responsibility for the reader's bastardizations of this pendingly patentable Invention and any mishaps that may follow the use thereof- such deviations from the cited Process including, but not limied to, use of other brands of alcohol or lemon juice or manual stirring- while yet claiming intellectual, spiritual, and fiscal rights to any proceeds proceding from the use of these potential aberrant variations to the author's unique invention, viz. the Turbid Death, and variants thereof.
   The careful reader will notice that I did not stipulate the age of the ReaLemon juice. In my case, it's monthsold. The label of the lemon-shaped bottle informed me that it "stored" best when refrigerated. It may thus be of some consequence that I bought it months ago in preparation for an ill-fated fish dinner that was never to make it out of the freezer to the cutting table. This may have contributed to the turbidity of the thing.

An update: Tonight is right for FIGHT!

There have been two fine American Classic Movies on the AMC tonight. Three, actually, but only the first(second) is on repeat play. Beverly Hills Cop, some van Damme kickboxing monstrosity, and some yet-weirder flick starring both Charles Bronson (as a streetfighter) and James um, damn James Coburn (as a streetmanager), yeah, from The President's Analyst. O God of all the movies I didn't need to see all high as hell at seventeen on the AMC before they had commercials. Because he was the psychohelper guy of the president but then he had to make like Mary on the little lam and have sex with a hippie twenty years his junior. Actually, that may have been my favorite sex scene on the screen ever, edging out the sheer predetermined fatalist hotness of Linda Hamilton in the 1st The Terminator by virtue of the number of would-of-been assassins counterassassinated while trying to assassinate the very same President's Analyst. While he humped the hippie chick and some dude sang about Changes that Keep Goin' 'Round. Plus, even with their clothes on, '60s chicks were hot. Definitely hotter than '70s or '50s or '30s chicks, and I don't know of any '20s or '40s actual sexscenes. I would be very much interested in learning of any that may be out there, since by all accounts there were hot chicks at those times.
   (It's still fun to say Would Of.)

8.5.05

On the Second Minotaur and its Significance

von Zinn, S.; Murklethorpe, T.D. J. Improb. Alleg., 3(2), Summer Solstice 2005.
ABSTRACT: A dual interpretation of The Gaffa Tape Speech is presented wherein the speech is interpreted both quasi-literally as concerning suicide, and more purely symbolically as a metaliteral account of the Buddhist state of nirvana. A two-fold interpretation is alluded to in the very narrative's main theme, viz., that London falsely believes the subject's engaffatapéd mortal remains to be a bomb, implying that the listener should look beyond the literality of the narrative sequence. Figurehead points include the significance of the first and of the second minotaur both bearing arms' load of duct tape, the nature of the ducts, and the meaning of the ongoing chaos in the living or inextinguished worlds, depending on the level of interpretation. A tentative response is suggested in answer to Mr Lynch's final query.

1.5.05

Quoth the Robyn:

Ah, yeah, when you extinguish the candle, then you have to pay the penalty, and the penalty is, that you're taken, you're transported from here by two minotaurs, which you know are human up to the neck and then they have bulls' heads. And they have real bulls' heads; they're not just wearing bull-head masks: they actually become bull from the neck up. And the minotaurs, they have a lot of duct tape and they swaddle you in it, or Gaffa tape if you're watching in England, and you're swaddled in duct tape and you're carried away by the two minotaurs down an endless series of ducts. And then, you're pinpointed just above, about two thousand seven hundred and twentythree feet above sea level. And you are fired out over central London and then you come down, and you- it's the reverse of normal gravity; it actually gets slower as you get nearer to the ground. So you run out of momentum about eight feet above Leicester Square. And everyone thinks you're a bomb, a thermonuclear device, because we've always been brought up in our folk stories in Britain that the bomb would detonate above ground to achieve maximum devastation. So as they see this thing, which is you, swaddled in duct tape, coming down over central London, people begin to flee, and there's enormous traffic congestion, especially on the A4 but also on some of the other main routes... And like the beginning of the A1 and whatever-it's-called Highbury Corner and all that stuff, it gets more and more cluttered and people are fleeing and they're starting to tread on each other in their panic and they're spilling cups of honey and knocking over theodolites and retort stands and trivits and all that sort of things: A lot of people are blundering through ancient chemical apparatus. And there's stuff- people have got hundreds of- People with slides, slides of tissue, things like corroded lungs and they're spilling that in their panic and they're saying Just one more cup of coffee, Miss Patterson and then it's getting spilt as well and they're getting more and more disturbed and rubber tyres which have never seen the outside of a wheel (they're just cosmetic) come smashing through the Venetian blinds and they knock over the paper cups, and they hit the files and the computers all go blank and the buildings begin to shake. And they realize there's something wrong underground so they have a strike underground and hundreds of passengers are trapped underground as you get closer and closer to the surface and then, just eight feet above Leicester Square you stop.
    So London's in a panic; they're just... I mean, you're not a bomb, you didn't need to explode; it doesn't matter: enough damage has been done without a shot being fired in anger and unnecessary bloodletting- Just the whole system is cracking up but you've got this problem, you can't reach the ground because there's a problem with physics so: what do you do?